#BLauthor6: Steve Bogdaniec

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#BLauthor6 is Steve Bogdaniec.

Steve Bogdaniec is a Chicago-based writer and teacher, currently teaching at Wright College in Chicago.  Steve will write just about anything: he has had poetry and short fiction published, and recently wrote a monthly movie feature with the website Pop Bunker.  Follow him on Twitter!  Just kidding—he never posts anything there anyway.

Co-ed Bethany Brownholtz says: Is it my Facebook feed, or does spring fever coincide with wedding fever?  

In honour of the upcoming wedding season, Blood Lotus presents the following piece by Steve Bogdaniec, which humorously weaves together (un)necessary wedding evils and the rough family dynamics we know and love:

The Honour of Your Presence

Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Lawrence Kilpatrick

Request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter

Cynthia Ann

to

Mr. William Daniel Johnston

although Cynthia and Bill would actually prefer it if you didn’t show up

and mind your own business

on Saturday the twelfth of July

two thousand and fourteen

the kids didn’t want to send you this invitation at first, since you are really creepy,

often drunk,

and generally unpleasant to be around

however, we talked them into it

after all,

you are the wealthiest relation on either side of the family

Roni and I hope that throwing you a pity-invite will induce a hefty check

hopefully you will be doing something else that day

at three o’clock in the afternoon

where they will exchange vows of dedication to each other and God

in front of Cynthia’s cousin, whom Bill slept with

and whom Cynthia also slept with, though not at the same time

not that anyone’s judging

I certainly experimented when I was that age

Isidore Community Church

427 West Fourth Avenue

Collins, Missouri

We request the pleasure of your company following the wedding ceremony

although, of course,

we would gain even more pleasure if you stayed home

the way you drink to cover up your inferiority complex

over your father and big brothers

your share of the booze tab alone would kill us

731 South Seventh Boulevard

Collins, Missouri

you know what, come or don’t come

it’s up to you

we both just want this damn thing over with

we love Cyndy, but we both want to stab her in the throat at this point

the kid she’s marrying is ok, but a little on the dumb and broke side

Roni and I think Cyndy picked him because he’s handsome

and because he would jump into a toilet bowl if she told him to

nah, the kids are fine

it’s just that this whole show is draining us

Roni and I are pretty much stuck paying all of it

we spent so much on beef, chicken, pasta, band, flowers, dress,

these ever-so-elegant invitations—do you know what this crap costs?

probably not, you never had kids

I envy you sometimes

damn things just HAD to have the silver ribbons and extra embossing

that costs five bucks more an invitation

or they wouldn’t be perfect

perfection costs an extra $750, apparently

Seriously,

we’re spending so much on this wedding

we may have to start selling drugs again

you were around us back in those days

Roni and me, the minivan, Big Ralphie, God rest his soul

no mortgage, no flex spending, no kids

couple knife fights here and there, six months of parole one time

be honest: weren’t we happier?

Roni and I have that argument all the time

Anyway,

R.S.V.P.

if you insist on showing up

at least don’t be rude about it